The Easiest (And Weirdest) Possible Solution
by SerenaKo413
Summary: In which Hajime Hinata is apparently smooth enough to be used as butter and seduce robot bears (A fact Hanamura will not shut up about) and escapes the school without a single death despite having no clue at all what he's doing. Talentswap AU.


The moment Sonia Nevermind, the (surprisingly docile) SHSL Gang Leader, suggested a vote, all but one student turned to point at Hajime, the one exception being Hajime Hinata himself.

Hajime was, quite understandably, shocked by this.

"W-wait, why are you all pointing at me?!" The SHSL Good Luck demanded. "I-I mean, wouldn't someone like, er, Sonia, or Nagito be better for the job?"

"I don't want to get my hands dirty," Hiyoko, SHSL Heiress responded, somehow managing to sound high and mighty despite her short stature. "After all, isn't that the job of worms like you? Get to it, pig."

Yeah, that wasn't very reassuring.

Thankfully for Hajime, Nagito, SHSL Detective was the next to speak.

"I believe you can do it, Hajime," Nagito said with his calm smile, calming Hajime as well. "You are the person most suited for the task."

"...yeah. I agree with Nagito," Chiaki, SHSL Doujin Artist, muttered sleepily.

And then Fuyuhiko just had to ruin it.

"He's plain. That damn bear won't suspect a thing," The foul-mouthed SHSL Hall Monitor declared.

"Geez, _thanks,"_ Hajime replied, rolling his eyes.

"I'm good at fighting, not talking," Akane Owari, SHSL Fighter added. "If it's talking, Harold's the best guy for it!"

"It's _Hajime_."

"Hey Hark, d'ya have any food on ya? I'm getting hungry."

Hajime gave up on Akane and turned to the next person, Teruteru Hanamura, SHSL Fortune Teller (Who was more likely to tell you to get into his bed than an actual fortune), before quickly realizing why that was a bad idea and turning to the man (was he really the same age as the rest of them?) next to him, Nidai Nekomaru, SHSL Swimmer.

"You've got a fighting spirit!" Nidai yelled, making Hajime cover his ears. "IT'S GETTING ME ALL FIRED UP!"

"Pipe down!" Fuyuhiko ordered, glaring at the swimmer. "If you keep yelling in a school like this, I'll stick you into detention!"

"Fuyuhiko, please calm down," Peko, the SHSL Baseball Star, reprimanded the shorter blonde, which Hajime considered ironic, given Fuyuhiko's title.

As Fuyuhiko took deep breaths, Mikan Tsumiki, SHSL Gambler gathered the courage to speak up with her opinion.

"I-I-I b-believe that H-Hajime would be the b-best choice! He's brave a-and kind!" Mikan stammered, her voice augmenting in volume the more agitated she got.

"I-I'm sorry for being loud!" Mikan squeaked out afterwards.

"No one asked for your opinion-" Hiyoko's scathing remark was cut off by Mahiru, the only one who didn't remember her talent, slipping a hand over the shorter girl's mouth.

"Thank you very much for speaking up," Mahiru smiled at the trembling gambler.

"Y-you're welcome!"

The only ones who still hadn't spoken were Hanamura (whose opinion Hajime didn't want to hear, considering how it was most likely perverted.), Ibuki, SHSL Fashionista, Kazuichi, SHSL Idol, Byakuya, SHSL Programmer, and Gundham, SHSL Writing Prodigy.

Almost on cue, Ibuki spoke up, loudly proclaiming, "Hajime~! Do your best~! Show that bear your spirit~!"

"Uh, yeah, what she said, only less weird," Kazuichi mumbled, trying not to look at the enthusiastic girl bouncing up and down.

"Ibuki isn't weird! Ibuki is excited!"

As Kazuichi and Ibuki began arguing (or excitedly conversing as Ibuki put it) Gundham began cackling like a drunk madman, pointing his bandaged arm at Hajime with a strangely eerie grin on his face.

"You! A way with words you possess, and while it is not as potent as my mastery of the dark arts, it shall aid you in your quest!"

Translation: 'You know how to talk to people. Use that to talk to bears.'

(The first thing Hajime noticed was that Gundham's words rhymed. The second was that nearly everyone around him was insane.)

"You're one of the only people sane enough to get any real information out of the mastermind," Byakuya sighed, summarizing Hajime's feelings on the matter.

"Alright then!" Sonia smiled as clasped her hands together. "It is agreed that Hajime shall be the one to interrogate Monokuma as to our methods of escaping!"

And without further ado, Hajime was pushed out of the change room, off to speak to monochromatic bears.

* * *

Finding Monokuma had been the easy part. Hajime found the tiny bear inside the gym, sitting on top of the stage.

The hard part?

"So then! What are ya here for, murder techniques? Questions about the world's most popular bear? Or maybe... Could it be?" The robotic bear paused for a moment, giggling. "You're here to find out about **[XXX]** and **[XXX]** , aren't you?! You naughty boy!"

 _This._

 _"_ Er, the second one."

Hajime had no idea what he was doing.

Talking to people in a normal conversation was one thing.' _Interrogating the fuck out of a mechanical bear so we can all escape from a murder school'_ was another thing entirely. No, it was in another category, another zone, practically as far as you could get from _'normal conversation'_ in Hajime's mental classification of things.

If it wasn't obvious, Hajime was completely out of his depth.

But he had to at least try.

"I'd actually like to know about you, Monokuma. Do you mind if I ask a few questions?" Hajime asked, smiling pleasantly. Good. That was good, right?

At least, that was Hajime thought, until he noticed the pink tinging the white half of Monokuma's body. Robot bears weren't supposed to turn pink, right?

"I'd love to know more about a lovely bear such as yourself," Hajime blurted out before he could stop himself.

What.

"Oh my!" Monokuma gasped. "How _daring!_ "

It seems that in his complete and utter desperation, Hajime's mind stumbled upon a section of memories Hajime distinctly remembers locking up, throwing away the key to and doing his best to pretend it didn't exist.

Komaru's romance lessons.

Hajime is _sure_ that his little cousin's heart was in the right place when she forced him to read shoujo manga with her until he could recite every line perfectly with proper tone and inflection, or barring that, she just wanted someone to read manga with when Makoto refused. But somehow, the memories of Komaru commanding him to 'Be more prince-like!' and smile as naturally as possibly have resurfaced in his mind, his mouth flapping without any input from his brain. Komaru had successfully trained him into becoming a shoujo manga protagonist, despite Hajime's attempts to forget the entire ordeal ever happened.

There was no way this was going to end well.

"If you would allow me, I could be even more daring for you," Hajime said with a forced smile, and he's pretty sure that line was from a volume of ' _The Bomb Inside Her'_.

"So straightforward! My heart can't take it!" Monokuma declared.

"Is that so? Then why don't you hand that heart over to me? I promise to take good care of it."

What the fuck.

"I'm swooning!" Monokuma announced, his legs even going shaky for added effect.

"Then why not allow me to sweep you off your feet?"

 _What the fuck was he doing?!_

* * *

"What the fuck is he doing?!" Mahiru demanded, struggling to keep her voice down as she peeked through the gap of the bleachers.

"Ibuki thinks it's called flirting!" Ibuki declared, deafeningly loud, causing the other fourteen students to shush her.

"He's flirting with a bear," Byakuya reiterated in disbelief, briefly wondering if he was wrong when he said Hajime was one of the only sane students in the school.

"That was what Ibuki just said!"

Ibuki was shushed again, Hiyoko taking the opportunity to stuff Kazuichi's fist in Ibuki's mouth, making both of them freak out as she snickered to herself.

"Quit flailing around! You're going to hit everyone!" Fuyuhiko ordered.

He was completely ignored.

"Ew, ew, ew, slobber all over my hand! Slobber all over my hand!"

"Disgusting! You need to wash your hands more, because you taste awful!"

"BOTH OF YOU SHUT UP!"

"I think it's working," Chiaki commented, ignoring the chaos behind her.

"...wait, really?" Mahiru inquired, an odd mix of disgust, shock and incredulity on her face.

"Can you see the sparkles around him?" Chiaki asked, pointing at Hajime.

"...uh, Chiaki, are you blind because there-" Mahiru froze.

Sparkles. Sparkles everywhere.

"What the flying fuck," Mahiru exhaled, too shocked and 100% done to even bother trying to force her voice to be anything other than a monotone.

"Could it be?" Sonia gasped. "Has Hajime become a vampire?!"

"No, this is what they call a 'Bishie Sparkle'," Chiaki explained. "It's a common staple of shoujo manga, where they draw sparkles around an attractive character to highlight their beauty."

"Isn't that a trait of _manga_?" Byakuya challenged, still refusing to believe his eyes. "How in the world could it be happening in real life?"

"They say 'art imitates life'," Chiaki replied cryptically, answering absolutely nothing.

"Huh? What are you guys talking about?" Hiyoko demanded. "I don't see shit. Maybe Mikan's ugliness has made your eyes rot?"

"I-I'm s-so sorry f-for being u-u-ugly!"

"Interesting..." Nagito muttered to himself. "Some people can see the strange phenomenon emitted from Hajime, and some don't. "

"I don't see nothin'," Akane huffed, annoyed as the volume of Fuyuhiko scolding Ibuki and Kazuichi, Mikan's wails of dismay and Hiyoko's mad cackling grew louder. "SHUT IT!"

"Ibuki doesn't see anything! Maybe it's because it's too dark under here!"

"I'm afraid I don't see anything either," Teruteru added, stroking his chin thoughtfully. "Though I'm predicting that if I was as good with words as ol' Hajime here is, my number of 'private clients' would boost by 100%!"

"Going from zero to one isn't all that impressive," Hiyoko snickered. "Though maybe it is for you, you disgusting _pervert!_ "

"Now see here, I am not-"

Nagito tuned out the argument between the two midgets ( and in the background, Peko attempting to calm down Fuyuhiko, with minimal success), trying to commit his observations to memory.

 _'Akane, Hiyoko, Ibuki and Teruteru cannot see the bizarre sparkles emanating from Hajime's being,'_ Nagito noted. _'I wonder why.'_

"...how curious," Chiaki murmured, seemingly unfazed by Mahiru berating most of the Super High School Level students for their volume behind her.

"Hm?" Nagito looked towards the pink-eyed girl, straining his ears to hear her response over all the noise the others were making.

"Monokuma is turning pink," Chiaki stated simply. Unlike Hajime, she was less concerned with _how_ the mechanical creature was turning various shades of salmon and more concerned with _why_ and _what_ it would mean for them.

"How strange indeed," Nagito agreed, turning his eyes back to the conversation between the unintentional charmer and the mastermind's puppet.

* * *

Normally, Hajime was the kind of person who shut up under pressure, his mouth clamping shut and words refusing to leave his mind the moment he felt threatened.

"...And that is the story of how Monokuma came to be!" Monokuma concluded his origin story with a toothy smile. "Ah, I feel so relieved to have shared it with someone!"

This, however, was not a normal situation, and thus, Hajime's reaction was not at all normal.

"Uh, yeah. Amazing," Hajime replied blandly.

Monokuma slumped forward, staring down at the floor mournfully, and Hajime had the impression that he somehow disappointed the bear. Shit.

"E-er, yeah, it was really inspiring!" Hajime blabbered in an attempt to backtrack. He didn't stop to think about what he was saying, because the moment he thought of something more complicated than ' _What the fuck am I doing',_ his brain would short-circuit and then disaster would strike. "A story of the conflict between hope and despair, with you being born as a result! I think it's truly amazing!"

"Really?"

"Really!" Hajime declared.

The bear turned pinker. Honestly, how was that even possible?!

"Upupu... Somehow, hearing that makes me really happy..."

 _'Uh, is that a good thing?'_ Hajime wondered, his mind honestly occupied with the question as he spoke.

"I'm glad I could learn more about you."

 _'Well...If Monokuma is happy, then we're more likely to get good information out of him, right?'_

"Somehow, you're very interesting."

 _'Wait, Monokuma is a robot. Can robots bears have genders in the first place?'_

"I want to hear more about you, if you wouldn't mind me asking."

 _'I don't_ think _so, but maybe with the help of a SHSL Roboticist...'_

"I d-don't mind at all!" Monokuma stammered, reminding Hajime that _yes, he was having a conversation._ With a bear that told him to murder his classmates to escape the school. Whom he was apparently flirting with.

Well, it's not like that was the weirdest thing that ever happened to him in his life.

(No, the event that had the honour of holding that title was something he swore to never tell another soul. That includes you, dear reader.)

"So, why exactly are you holding us captive in this school?"

Monokuma gasped, his/her/it's hands flying up to their face, before it/she/he slumped forwards, somehow turning _blue with_ **mushrooms sprouting from his ears**. (Was this normal for robots now? Was this apparently how someone decided to make their robot act?)

"I see... so this was all a plot to seduce me and then steal my information... You're a cruel-hearted man, Hajime..."

 _'Shit! Monokuma knows!'_

"Wait, wait, you've got it all wrong!" Hajime panicked, nearly tripping over his own feet to order to backpedal and undo his blunder.

Fortunately for Hajime, he was so panicked, he forgot to pay attention to what he was saying, managing to stumble onto the correct words completely by accident.

"I-I mean, it's not very romantic to have a date in a school! Wouldn't be better to walk outside and have a good, calm and refreshing mood if you're planning on going on a date with someone?!"

 _'What in the goddamn seven seas, the motherfucking stars above and the earth beneath our god fucking damn feet am I saying?!'_

 **BREAK**

 _'What was that sound?!'_ Hajime thought, absolutely sure that he heard the sound of glass breaking.

What Hajime didn't know, was that that sound was the sound of Monokuma (and the robot's mastermind)'s heart being pierced by cupid's arrow, the bear falling head-over-multicoloured-heels for him in that moment.

"A date...outside the school..." Monokuma muttered, vivid images of the two walking through a lush green park, paw-in-hand filling the bear's mind.

"Yeah."

In some very, very, very small fraction of a second, a bright red button was placed in Hajime's hand, Hajime being extremely confused and bewildered by it.

"It's the escape button," Monokuma explained, the bear's metallic exterior once again turning pink. "If you press it, the gate in the main hall will open as wide as can be."

"Thank...you?" Hajime forced out, confused and shocked and slightly scared at the same time.

"You're welcome," Monokuma winked, and then disappeared in a wink.

"What just happened?" Hajime asked, as the others slipped out from the bleachers to congratulate him.

"I'm simply in _awe_ of your skills, Hajime. If you wouldn't mind, could you teach me a few _private lessons_ on properly using that silver tongue?"

"Shut it, perverted psychic!" Hiyoko demanded. "What's important is that we're home free! We can escape! We don't have to see Souda's ugly mug anymore!"

"HEY!"

"What? It's true," Hiyoko retorted, sticking her tongue out at the Idol.

"It was crazy enough to work," Byakuya congratulated Hajime, who was still staring at the button in his hands in shock. "I applaud you for keeping your wits about you in a tense situation."

"You've got that wrong," Hajime retorted, a smile on his face.

That was easier than expected.

(The sixteen students of Hope's Peak Academy escaped the school safely, not a single drop of blood shed thanks to Hajime's incredibly smooth talking. Unbeknownst to them, a certain monochromatic bear was following them, every step of the way after that.)

* * *

 **'Talentswap AU'? I think you mean 'Not even the Author knows how this happened.'**

 **Anyways, a short, silly oneshot for a long, complicated and emotional game. If only it were that easy in canon.**

 **In case you're wondering, there's a reason why certain people don't see the bishie sparkle. Ibuki and Hanamura are because they're both interested in girls. Hiyoko isn't interested in Hajime and Akane isn't interested in romance at all. At least in headcanon world.**

 **I don't own Dangan Ronpa.**

 **I hope you have a nice day/night/whatever! :D**

 **Bye bye!**


End file.
